Bro Code is Cowardice, Disguised As Brotherhood
You’re not fooling anyone…except maybe yourselves.
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Intro
Before I get into my piece, I’d like to make a disclaimer. It’s no secret that certain people tend to get defensive with the presence of these conversations and when that happens they often find ways to delegitimize and dismiss any and all concerns that the conversation discusses. Some of you may be wondering what gives me the right to discuss the inner workings of masculinity as a woman? After all, I just recently published an article discussing how men have no place in women’s dialogue. Both of those comments are justified so allow me to answer them. Although you’d like to tell women to mind their own womanly business, the fact that we live in a male-dominated society that constantly seeks to grant more exposure to men and the male psyche makes that demand nearly impossible to fulfill. Not only do women live under the male gaze but in order to successfully navigate this society, the male gaze is something we are forced to understand since masculinity is something that is constantly imposed on us. That is not the same for men in the way it is for women. Men don’t need to understand women to navigate society so many of them don’t. Therefore when a woman discusses the inner workings of men, the points she makes come from living in a society where knowledge about how men move, work, and function is a necessity. But when a man discusses the inner workings of women, the points he makes come from living in a society where the perspectives of women are dismissed and ignored. So with that said, let’s get into it.
Despite the arguments posed against identity politics, there is no denying that our identities play an important role in how we interact with the world and each other. They not only have the power to influence who we are but the people we choose to align ourselves with and why: because they identify the same way that we do. With these like-minded people, we find ourselves developing shared social customs, cues, and language around a shared experience. We develop a shared sense of kinship and overtime, our identities grow past just being labels and become sub societies within a larger one that we retreat to in search of comfort and relationships. But entrance and acceptance into these sub societies don’t come for free. Like the larger society, social contracts must be signed and rules must be obeyed to receive the full benefits that come with sub societal membership.
That is where bro code comes in.
Bro code encompasses the rules and the contract that is signed that allows men into the circle of masculinity. Obey those rules and you’ll reap the benefits and opportunities that come with male solidarity and being seen as the alpha of the pack. Simple right? Of course!
Until you realize that misogyny is the bedrock that bro code rests on.
According to many of the articles that list the rules of the bro’s I find that the objectification and dehumanization of women and anything associated with them is the main talking point. Rules that declare women off limits do so because they are associated with another bro, not because she’s a human being worthy of respect and dignity. Others place the responsibility of making sure another bro hooks up with the girl he shows interest in on the wingman without considering the fact that whether or not sex occurs is the woman’s decision not his. Drunkenness is used to exempt another man from his wrongdoings and silence about said wrongdoings are never to be mentioned to a potential girlfriend. You don’t want to be known as a snitch right?
But any woman who has had to navigate a male-dominated society isn’t surprised by these rules. In fact, they just reveal what we’ve always known; bro code doesn’t just operate as a way to uphold brotherhood amongst men and if it does, that brotherhood is forged at the expense of women.
But this isn’t something that boys come out of the womb knowing. They learn it via movies, TV, music, but before the rape jokes and the objectification, it always starts but small. Anything that is associated with femininity is mocked and degraded (makeup, dolls, etc). The presumed weakness of girls provides justification for bullying and the assumption of male power. Women are reduced to sex objects and objects of pursuit. Our agency is stripped from us. The manipulation, abuse, and mistreatment of women is nothing more than ‘good ‘ol fun.’ By the time men get to this stage, they’ve already been indoctrinated into the cult of toxic masculinity. A cult that demands solidarity and preservation of men by demanding silence in the face of every rape joke, every hand laid upon a woman, every degrading comment about women, and every act of misogyny. Maintaining your silence maintains your place within the confines of masculinity and misogyny is your meal ticket in. Because despite the conversations around masculinity, toxic masculinity remains the model of which men are told to strive. The answer as to why that lies in what masculinity is.
According to Micheal S. Kimmel’s “Masculinity as Homophobia” masculinity is essentially a performance that men engage in for the approval of other men as is the acceptance into manhood. The sexy women, the money, the fame, the success, the power, even violence, those are all things that men are told to flaunt in hopes of impressing their male counterparts and gaining their approval. Any revelation or hint of being seen as feminine, or a p***y, could turn the tide of male approval against you and in a blink your masculinity and your membership into the clan of manhood could be revoked, leaving a man to bask in the shadows of emasculation. In Kimmel’s words, women pose the threat of emasculation because of what they represent: the home, workplace, familial responsibility, and more importantly femininity which all serve to negate the fun and freedom that the identity of men is built upon and show men what they shouldn’t strive to become. Therefore in order to maintain their masculine identity, it is the best interest of men to exclude and demean women unless they serve as a trophy with which to bolster their identities as men. When you look at bro code you’ll find many of the observations that Kimmel discusses in his essay. It is literally a list of rules teaching men how to best gain the approval of other men by taking certain actions (many of which are rooted in misogyny) and in doing so solidify their masculinity in the eyes of their male counterparts.
Despite the variation of rules that bro code lists, it sends a unifying message; the interests and approval of men are superior to the humanity of women and must be secured and maintained at all costs if a man is to maintain his masculinity. But this code, this silence, and this contract isn’t just exclusive to the larger society of white men but to black men as well. Black men have helped to build an entire industry based on toxic masculinity. In Allison Gaines's article ‘Hip-Hop and Black Women-Unrequited Love’ she discusses how black men have capitalized off of exploiting the Jezebel stereotype for financial and social gain all while reducing us oversexualized whores whose conquests serve to bolster their social status as men and musicians. Despite the fact that this misogyny and exploitation of women is endemic to bro code, the added layer of race seeks to ever so slightly tweak its purpose.
Going back to Kimmel’s theory he states that even though men as a group are powerful, men as individuals feel powerless because they’ve constructed the rules of manhood so that very few men are able to gain full access to manhood leaving men of certain classes, races, ethnicities, ages, and sexual orientations, out in the cold to grapple for scraps. Despite the cruelty, this honestly makes sense. When we think of what a masculine looks like we think of a young, rich, and powerful white man (in Kimmel’s words the white middle-aged, middle-class men are the picture of masculinity). But if young, rich, and powerful white men are the poster child of masculinity then that means that every man who doesn’t fit that mold is left emasculated and disempowered.
Because of these restrictions of what constitutes manly and the constant scrutiny of other men, men are required to constantly prove their masculinity to other men and compete with them for the title of the most masculine. This eventually breeds insecurity that plagues even the poster children of masculinity which are already competing with the inherent assumption of manliness. Black men have suffered a long history of emasculation due to the racism inherent in manhood, leaving black male masculinity in a precarious position, one that, in order to gain access into the cult of masculinity, must be corrected. Through the money, power, women, and violence that is often relayed through hip hop, it seems they are on their way there on the path of toxic masculinity.
One noble thing I can mention about the black bro code is the emphasis on protecting the men who look like you from white supremacist structures but even that nobility only goes so far. We saw that in 2020 when every time a black man was threatened with accountability, accusations of upholding a white supremacist agenda took hold in order to neutralize it. Bro code in the black community not only works to prove a man’s masculinity in a society where they are already emasculated but also to evade racism and accountability, especially accountability for the misogynoir or slights against black women.
Masculinity is a complex social construct and toxic masculinity isn’t the only form of masculinity that exists. But based on Kimmel’s thoughts and the pervasiveness of misogyny, toxic masculinity is the form that continues to serve as the blueprint to the destination of manhood. As long as masculinity continues to be rooted in a fear of emasculation, women, gay people, and even men themselves, women will be vulnerable to the violence and exclusion that the cult of masculinity demands.
Despite the macho energy that constructs as bro code exudes, it really is a construct rooted in cowardice and fear. It is rooted in a fear of other men, more specifically the humiliation and disapproval men have for those who don’t adhere to the rules of masculinity. As for the protection and defense of men who are clearly in the wrong, a rule that bro code demands, I have to ask: are you defending them because you want to continue to access the benefits that come with being a member of the cult of masculinity? Are you doing it in the name of brotherhood? Or are you doing it because you’re afraid of being seen as less of a man?
