10 Things You Must Do Before Leaving a Violent Relationship
Safety planning can be life-saving
Leaving a violent relationship is one of the most dangerous times for a woman experiencing intimate partner violence. The person who uses violence (PUV) increases in volatility and often lethality as he attempts to regain control.
This heightened threat to her safety increases the woman’s risk of victim homicide. It is a dangerous time.
Safety planning is important to assist in leaving safely and as well supported as possible.
These and other elements of safety planning apply to planned, but also unplanned leaving scenarios. A woman may plan a date, time and location for leaving in advance — perhaps even months in advance. Other times when violence erupts, this may signal the necessary time to leave. Preparing for either scenario is key.
1. Pack a go bag
A go bag will include essentials and will be easily accessed. In the bag, you will have enough to be set for a few days until you are able to retrieve the remainder of your belongings.
This bag might include things like medications, a spare car key, identification documents such as a driver’s license, passports, health care or government cards, cash and money cards and some clothes. Kids necessities including nappies, school uniforms, a favorite toy will also be included.
Consider where you will keep your go bag. It may be possible to store your bag at home in a safe place or perhaps in the car. If home is not an option, perhaps the bag could be kept at a friend’s house ready for you to collect when you have escaped.
I was once told by a woman in a FDV (Family & Domestic Violence) service who had safely left her home that she had buried her bag in the garden a few days prior to her planned leave as one of her last steps.
2. Have a code word
Code words, phrases or emojis can help you get emergency assistance without raising suspicion and increasing risk of violence. Arrange with a friend, family member and your children, a code word.
This word, when spoken during a phone call or sent off in a text message alerts that person to immediately call police, to ask no further questions — just act. This word or phrase or emoji when used to summon help could save your life.
This will be the same for your children. If they are alerted to this word or emoji they act on the safety plan to run to the neighbors house or hide and call police — whatever the plan you have set for them.
Often if the PUV believes a woman is preparing to leave, he will increase the severity of violence and control. Share this code word with a friend, family member, support service. This word will let your support person know that you are unsafe and need immediate help.
I worked in a FDV service where a woman called and provided intentionally false information to a worker — alerting that clued-in worker that she was unsafe and needed immediate intervention by police.
3. Share the plan with your children
Share your leaving plan with your children, ensuring it is age appropriate. Ensure your kids understand their role in this plan — to keep safe. Their role is not to save you or intervene, should violence occur or escalate.
Let them know who they call on for help such as an adult family friend or family member. Perhaps they have a safe place to go such as a neighbor. If they are old enough, they may have their own phones and are able to call police.
Have your children practice the plan. Practicing the plan including a physical escape or how to call police will enable them to feel better equipped should they ever need to act.
4. Don’t tell the PUV you are leaving
Never tell the PUV that you have an intention to leave. One of the most dangerous times for an increase in violence is the time of leaving.
I have spoken to women who despite the violence perpetrated against them, feel discourteous to the PUV, often the father of their children, for suddenly leaving without notice. There will be lots of emotions for you at this time, and while this may sit uncomfortably, safety trumps everything.
It is not safe to ever share your intention to leave with the person who is choosing to inflict violence against you.
5. Plan your technology
Tech safety is an important part of your safety planning. Ensure that you cannot be traced, followed, stalked, and be found via phone tracking software or devices such as GPS or air tags, messages or emails.
I spoke to women who left their relationships with airtight safety plans — but forgot about the location trackers on their phone only to be tracked down, dragged back home, and vowing never to try leaving again.
Be aware of messages, emails and phone numbers if you have corresponded with others about your plan. While many women will be aware if the PUV monitors their whereabouts, their phone use, accesses their emails or messages – some women don’t.
It may be safest to delete messages or emails on your phone if you believe the PUV may be able to access these. Alternatively, consider the possibility of having a 2nd phone just for planning your leave.
6. Only tell trusted friends your plan
Do not share your plan to leave with anyone outside of your trusted circle. If you are sharing your information, less is best and only share with those who are a direct link to your safety.
For your own safety consider this information on a strictly need to know basis. Unless you have selected those who are integral to your safe leaving, don’t share this information.
I have spoken with ladies who have shared this information with the family of the PUV only to have this information passed onto the perpetrator.
7. Arrange a police escort if needed
It may be necessary that police are in attendance for you to leave safely. You are the best person in this situation to know the seriousness of threats against you.
Your assessment may be the real threat of increased violence if you were to leave, which puts your life in danger.
If it is your assessment that the PUV would seriously hurt or kill you, police attendance should be seriously considered.
8. Plan your escape
Assess the time to leave and when this may be safest. You may choose a particular day such as when the PUV is at work, when the children are at school to ensure their safety or when the PUV is sleeping/passed out.
Map out your escape plan and practice when you can. Practice leaving the house safely, avoid getting cornered in places that you can not leave such as a bathroom or kitchen.
If you have your children at home, make sure they know of this plan and have also practiced how to get out.
Know where you are going, how long you can stay and if this location is safe. You may be staying with friends or family; you may be moving to temporarily accommodation such as a shelter or crisis accommodation.
Consider your location if the PUV comes looking for you. Will this person be easily able to find you? Are you still at risk or are others at risk if the PUV knows this location?
9. Keep your phone on you at all times
Try to keep a phone in your pocket where possible. This will assist you in initiating your code words/emojis or calling police in an emergency and getting help.
Having a mobile phone may not always be the case and in many situations the PUV may not allow access or ownership of a mobile phone. When this is the case for many women, they are often able to obtain a phone in secret and have this ready for when they leave in a hidden location inside or outside of house.
Have local support services in your phone if it is safe to do so. These may include local crisis services, women’s shelters, services who provide access to emergency food, accommodation, DV hotlines, case workers and other support services.
10. Park the car on the road
This may seem like a trivial detail but it’s an important one. Let’s say you have planned your time to leave when the PUV is out of the house, but he comes home unexpectant. He drives the car in behind you on the driveway and has now boxed you in and now you are trapped.
An escape route should include the way to get out the door but also how to get away from the house. If you don’t have a car, consider your nearest bus stop or assistance from a friend or family member who may be able to pick you up.
If you need further assistance in safety planning contact your local FDV service for support.
If you or your children are in immediate danger and require assistance, call police immediately.
